TW for mental health issues, discussion of depression
Thoughts about fanon!Derek’s characterization in fic have been percolating in my head for awhile and it kind of makes me uncomfortable, but I haven’t really been able to put my finger on it.
In my experience, Derek has a rich inner life, a lot of thoughts and observations, and ~~~feelings but he usually never voices them.
He’s usually denying himself something, namely his feelings for Stiles.
And it kind of plays out that he’s long suffering, sometimes at the wreck of the Hale house, sometimes its being/has been rebuilt, sometimes an apartment in town.
But there’s always this thread of… melancholy? stasis?
And weirdly I find myself rooting for him not to disclose his feelings, to stay stuck.
And then I realized that, to me anyway, Derek is being written as depressed even if people were just extrapolating from the show and weren’t consciously writing him as a depressed individual with a lot of emotional trauma.
Because usually, in his rich inner life, he has feelings of inadequacy and low self worth. He sees his only value to others as the Alpha, rather than a person.
Then I was hit with a wave of feels, because wow, even when I think I’m doing better on my own road to mental wellness, some things are hard to unlearn.
This is usually the point of the story where Stiles rescues Derek from his personal pit of despair and things are better.
And I like a good romance, but sometimes I wonder- what if Stiles never noticed? Gave his heart to someone else?
What does that say about me?
Am I still sick? (Yes, my brain is always going to be chemically imbalanced. But am I even better now?)